Confronting the beast

Singer and songwriter Zeshan B opens up about mental health and reflects on what happens when lifelines vanish; he sings his pain into a new song released today, "Only in My Dreams".At this time, I think the forced isolation has given us no choice but to confront our innermost conflicts. In my case, I’ve had to reconcile myself with my mental health - or lack thereof.Mental illness is no stranger to me. I’ve struggled with it for most of my teenage and adult life. And for the longest time, I would cope by either keeping it to myself, sharing it with those closest to me, or expressing it through my music. The latter was perhaps the most effective coping mechanism - the stage is unique in that way. It was a fourth dimension in which I could channel all of my grief, all of my depression, all of my anxiety; and in a rather strange way, receive respect and recognition for it. The recording studio was much the same. And because of this, I always felt that no matter what, as long as the studio and the stage were within arms reach, I’d get by.But when Covid hit this country, the studio and the stage all of a sudden were snuffed out. My lifelines seemed to vanish into thin air, and I felt amputated. The result has been a cascade of depression, restlessness, and rage. At times, I feel like a caged beast, gnawing at the barricade that encloses me. A dog that needs to be walked. This is because I am now forced beyond capacity to deal with all of the inner pain - pain that I once could numb by simply going to work.Perhaps a positive by-product of this forced reconciliation is my newfound courage towards talking openly about mental health. And why not? Everyone’s feeling it, right? I have been lending my voice to this extremely important and salient topic. And today I’m releasing “Only in my Dreams” - my personal favorite song of my upcoming album “Melismatic”. The song chronicles my own struggles with insomnia, depression and severe anxiety; this couldn’t be a more appropriate time to put it out into the world.And I have found solace in leaning on the people who mean the most to me. My wife Alex is on the front lines of the pandemic as an anesthesiology resident at Johns Hopkins hospital. She bears witness every day to the constantly changing realities of this pestilential pandemic. And it’s not going to get any easier – we are moving to NYC in a few weeks for the start of her pain management fellowship at NYU hospital. NEW YORK, people! Ground Zero of this pandemic. Are we crazy for actively heading towards the belly of the beast? Probably. But I am so inspired by my wife’s fervor. That she would continue to charge straight into the line of fire instead of opting for relative comfort and stability speaks volumes of her steadfastness and passion towards providing medical care to those who need it most.I have taken great joy in being her chef, cheerleader, and caretaker when she comes home exhausted. I have been blessed to connect with long lost childhood friends, many of whom are also stuck at home and likewise scanning their past lives. I do feel the sting of not being able to visit my parents and sisters, but our conversations are now much more substantive and deep.We are all less distracted from the usual fog of workaholism, ambition, social posturing/climbing and pursuit of material comfort. It’s now time to focus on the person that dwells inside of us.Because it’s that person who will need to rise from the rubble.Please listen to Zeshan B's song released today, "Only in my Dreams".  He and Alex were on Morning Joe on MSNBC this morning, take a look. Photo @Shahidul Alam/Drik/Majority WorldTo read all '30 reflections for our times', please follow the Facebook page '30 days 30 deeds', Instagram @salmahasanali, or subscribe to the newsletter at www.salmahasanali.com.